...

So stressful sometimes

Ever since i entered UBD, i wanted friends, i needed friends, cause the old ones seem to drift apart little by little every single day. Now im afraid that im losing my old friends. sure i've already made new ones but lets be honest, the new friends wont be like the old ones, even these new friends have their own old friends to keep in touch with so its like we can be close friends but just not that close. Its like im counting down the number of friends i have left and they seem to dwindle down. why cant the old ones and the new ones mix? i mean i'd like to be friends with both the old and new but alas...

These new friends, i actually like them, i probably love them but sometimes i just feel out of place with them like how did i become friends with them? how did they become friends with me? i feel very insecure sometimes like are they friends with me because they have ulterior motives? or do they pity me since i dont seem to have friends? all these things crosses my mind everytime im with them. Because i know im not the most interesting guy in the world and sometimes i seem a bit weird and awkward (which is mostly the reason why i have difficulty in befriending people) but people like me once they get to know me, right? sometimes i restrict myself when hanging out with the NF cause im afraid that if i make one single mistake i'll lose them as friends. Yes, im a loner and sometimes enjoy being alone but sometimes the loneliness eats me up inside and makes me feel depressed and empty.

While the old ones seem to have issues with each other. The OF are drifting apart with each passing time eventhough once in a while theres a reunion, some barely talk to each other which sometimes wound me considering we used to be close.

I need friends, friends that could lift my spirits up when i myself cant. Friends to share my endless problems with. Friends that would not judge me if they knew sometimes i would become unstable (like now). Friends that would not take advantage of me. Friends that wont hate me for being who i am...

I need friends... cause family is not enough for me, i cant be myself around my family but i can be myself around friends. My friends are my family too, it takes more than just blood to create a bond. Every bond that i make is important to me, be it a bond between family or a bond between friends but if any of those bonds break it will feel like losing a part of myself cause i give out a piece of myself with each bond. I know its foolish to want to be friends forever but the truth is even if that friend forgets me or gets over me i will always remember them jus like how i remember my past friends, the ones that left and even the ones that betrayed me. Thats just how i am, im loyal to a fault. Which makes me feel kinda stupid cause i put so much energy and trust in all of my friendships eventhough i know sooner or later friends will leave and depart from my life to get on with theirs.

Basically i feel lonely. With the old friends floating away and the new friends being new that its too early to trust them fully, i just feel soo alone everyday which makes me sad and unstable and aches my heart... Its been a while since my mood had darkened like this. It does not feel good...

alone and depressed (i feel pathetic)

What a day!

Okay today was the big day for my presentation and boy was i nervous! My heart felt like it would leap out of my chest and do the riverdance! But thankfully i wasn't the only one who got nervous, as they say, misery loves company, HaHaHa... XD

Anyways, in the end, our presentation was not bad, it didn't stink nor did it rock, it was just so-so which was fine by me cause when it was my turn to present, i was a hot tranny mess!!! But fortunately Hong sucked even more than me so he took the spotlight away from me so i was loving him today for doing that. What was more painful than the presentation was the question and answer session after which we barely survived thanks to our leader Azim. Plus, i'm hating on one of the guys who asked us questions cause his question was downright fucking cruel!!! I hate you guy whose name i don't know and wont care to know! I'm keeping my eye on you so you better watch out bitch! Anyways, got a little bit carried away there, the lecturer said our presentation was okay but needs a hell of a lot of work, so yay! us!

After the presentation, i accompanied Dee & Azim with their admin chores and whatever until i could meet up with Lala & Yul cause i wanted to discuss with them how to commence out ELAL assignment. Ain't i lucky? After 1 assignment is done, i go straight to doing another 1 and i'm still left with 2 other assignments, life is so full of joy! T_T"

Anyways i met with Lala & Yul at the library, where they are also trying to finish their CL assignment, so basically i actually came there for nothing cause they ended up spending the whole time tring to do thei own thing while i do mine, which was no biggie since i've only known them for like 2 weeks. Moving on, during my time at the library i met many people i knew like my cousin, Freak's Brother's Fiance, Zack from orientation and Hafiz from orientation so that felt a little bit weird, in the end after spending about 2 hours in the library, i failed to accomplish nothing so instead i decided to just quit and go home and live to write another day... =)

Special mention: fast forward to when i was performing the terawih prayer and met with an old friend, Wafi whose on semester break from his uni at Hull UK. We just talked and talked and totally forgot about the witir prayer! hahaha, it was fun catching up with him... XD

Fasting

Yay! today is the first day of ramadhan and everyone's fasting, everyone is going to starve themselves in the name of god, plus, to some, this is a good chance to diet and lose weight, and for those who do both dgn ikhlas with the former than good for you!!! =D

Since its the first day, and its a public holiday, today's fast is going to be easy but once school starts again, baru tya sandi! Hahahah, like me, im fasting and im trying to finish my uni assignment so my stomach is grumbling and my head is banging... i've been given lots of time to finish the assignment but i just cant do it... I'd like to just throw myself at the wind during the presentation but im in a group presentation so if im throwing myself at the wind, im bringing them with me... I FUCKING HATE THIS!!! Not to mention i have no idea what to do for this presentation, i mean i've found the necessary info but i just can expaqnd it and make it intellectual and uni is all about intellect...

*inhales* *exhales* *inhales* *exhales* i really need to chill and mellow out since im fasting but i've been chill and mellow since yesterday... the pressure of uni life is getting to me, i mean like, after lecture yesterday i went straight to the beach on my lonesome and just let go of life... i was like catatonic, i mean my body moved, as in i drank and ate the snacks i brought with me and i smoked the cigs i brought too but my mind was a total black hole, i thought about nothing for more than an hour and once i started to think again, i felt depressed. Cause the fact that i went to the beach just to think about nothing leads me to believe that i've lost my enthusiasm to live...

Which sounds so sad but its not uncommon to me, where is last year whenever i used to lose my reason to live, i would just cut myself but now, since i have a car and a driver's license i can freely handle my stress my own way, by thinking about nothing while lounging around at the beach... Anyways i think my original topic was about fasting but i just got carried away elsewhere sooo have a good fast everyone and wish me luck in my life cause i think i need it... XS

here's a fun take on puasa/fasting =)

Workload

So the rentals are back today from their vacay and i wasn't there to pick them up... but my blings did, cause was busy trying to find info for a presentation this saturday... its only week 2 of being a uni student and already the assignments are piling up! i fucking hate this! i have an mib presentation this saturday, another presentation for English literature due for the next 2 weeks and an english language & linguistics essay about what language i use with my family due in september... So i really feel like crap right now... T_T"

Anyways these past 4 days when my parents were away, i totally did not waste my freedom cause i spent the whole 4 days chilling for myself and hanging out with the besties! yesterday i watched a movie with the besties and i really had a great time... i spent so much time with my besties because after yesterday, i know my schedule will be swamped and i wont have time to spend with them anymore plus yesterday was my last piece of freedom since the rentals are back today...

right now, im actually supposed to find more info for the presentation on saturday but my mind feels just so blank! im a person who loathes work plus, presentations and research are not my thing but alas! these cruel assignments go with being a uni student and im kinda thinking of dropping out and live my life simply which is impossible cause life aint simple. *sigh* i guess i'll resume the research that i was doing... wish me fucking luck! XD

Yay?

So today, dropped off the rentals at the airport cause today their travelling to Johor, Malaysia cause dad is attending an internet trading seminar and mom is joining him. I was supposed to join them but boohoo! I cant cause i have lectures, tutorials and what not... But on the plus side, im free from the rents for 4 days so yay! and being the opportunist that i am, the minute i reached home, i went straight to Mimi's house. Myself. Using the Ford Everest. My initial excuse to my bro was that i wanted to pick up some stuff mimi borrowed which is actually true but also i decided to hang out and chatted with him at his house...

Poor, Mimi! It seems that the injury he had last year is still hurting him. His leg was bandaged very very tight! So we talked and talked and it turns out that the reason his injury is coming back is because everytime his injury subsides, he would go play football therefore bringing more pain to himself. He's such an idiot! Hahahaaha...

Anyways while there took some pictures... and i became Mimi's audience while he ripped on his guitar so the afternoon was good eventhough it was short... And now some pics!

The Ugly Truth

So lately i've been seeing many people post on facebook about being honest and what not... they're saying like they'd rather be told the horrible truth rather than being lied to. Which is utter bullshit! I mean whether your told the ugly truth or been lied to, i suspect our reactions will be the same, the only difference is the time delay of our reactions...

dont get me wrong, i do believe that honesty is the best policy. In fairytales! i mean we live in reality, its not like in the movies where everytime we're being honest and tell the truth, we get a free pass for doing the right thing. Trust me, i speak through experience...

So what if lying is dishonourable? if you lie to protect yourself then thats okay... lying is only not okay if it causes harm to other people. if the lie is to protect you and wont hurt anybody else then thats totally fine... Besides, a good lie is such a terrible thing to waste... =)

A New Begining

Today is the 3rd of August 2010... Which means its been quite a long time since i've last posted anything on this blog of mine... The lack of posts is mostly due to the fact that i was lazy. But not anymore! Last time i posted, i was just finished with my A levels and just started my very very long study break... Now, im already a University student and now approaching week3 of my 1st semester... The reason im starting to post on my blog again is because another chapter of my life is starting and i wanna recap each and every moment of it... From this day on, its a whole new beginning... =D So im sure i'll be posting stuff regularly since there is a whole lot of crap to deal with in this Uni life so things are bound to get interesting. even though its only been 2 weeks, i've been really enjoying myself, meeting new people, making new friends and learning something new. The only regret i have is not being able to spend time with Zid anymore cause he didn't get into UBD, instead he got into ITB, which im thankful for cause basically our colleges are next to each other so we get to meet each other every lunch time and im grateful for that...

Well, thats all i gotta say for now... And wish me luck! Cause i'll definitely need it... XD

Sunrise, the symbol for a new beginning

Books, Jobs, Jogs... What else is new?

With more than a week, i've finished my latest batch of novels and it feels like crap cause now i have nothing to do again! Soooo, bought a couple of books just now to add to my collection which i will never read again~~~ Seriously! i know that its healthy to read books but novels are fucking expensive! plus, i'll probably never read them again! i mean who reads a novel twice, huh? Dont get me wrong, i love books, but if i were to add up the prices of all the books i have now, i'll probably faint due to the 5 or 6 figure numbers... The only reason i read books is mostly to pass the time so i wouldn't get bored... The only solution would be to get a job but im still weighing the pros and cons of that decision, i wanna have a job but since im in a state of having no driver's license, its kinda hard~ Not to mention my perfectly flawed social skills, i mean, i've never worked a day in my life, i'd probably kill my boss in less than a day of working... *sigh*

But seriously, i dont mind if i dont have a job as long as my days are interesting, another reason im weary about getting a job is that my parents promised me to go on vacation next year so if i have a job, i wouldn't be able to go vacationing with them would i? I've been thinking about my dream jobs like working at a bookstore, or a DVD store, or just a cashier but most of these jobs are dominated by women!!! i weep at the prospect ='( So, i'll probably give up cause dad's trying to find me a job by using his long list of friends and connections... I hope he finds me a good one... My parents aren't forcing me to find a job, which is good, but then, my holidays are long and i'll always need money from them, which is bad... Ohhhh, my head hurts just thinking about it cause i really feel guilty about taking money from them...

Okay, enough with the jobs cause i wanna talk about jogs =) or Jogging cause lately dad's been bringin me and mom jogging, which is good cause it adds another activity for me so i wouldn't get bored just lying at home... Yesterday at Bukit Shahbandar and today at Damuan, man my feet hurt but the thought about getting healthy and skinny overpowers the pain! hahahah! i really wanna lose weight before i go to any Uni because since there are no guarantees that i'll be going to a Uni with someone i know. So i'll probably need to adapt well, and i know this sounds horrible but skinny people tend to find friends easier than fat people... It sounds horrible i know, but im not talking about someone's size relates to their personality, im just sayin that people/humans are shallow, and shallowness seem to have an aversion to fatness, and to adapt you need to fit in and if your small like everyone else you wont stand out... Now, if im goin to Uni in Brunei, i wont care what i look like but if im gonna study abroad and away from family and friends, i'll need to adapt and connect with people easily to have a support net... The truth is ugly and thats how it goes so hooray! for the beautiful skinny bitches! i mean, people! and boo! to the fat ugly ones which includes me~~~~~~ ='(

Its sad, i know, but what can you do? just shrug it off... Below are the books ive read for the holidays =) all of the are really good, Good Omens is a bit complicated but the story is nice =)

Life's Good =D

My parents are back!!! They arrived on 2nd December, and life for me has been very good cause i get to spend time with my dear mommy and ignore the existence of whatsherface. Hahahaha... My Bro's been very good too! He's more rounder now, soo Haha! We've been watchin horror flicks at midnight for the past few days along with LP and some other cousins. Like i said, life's good for now =)

So, since my parents are back, i get to be a spoilt brat again! Hahaha, just kidding! Im not that spoilt~ =D
Anyways, I,ve bought aome very awesome DVDs to watch with my bros and some Novels (Finally!) for me to read during this very very very long holiday. I totally went all out in buying the novels cause its totally been a while since my last novels and i believe that i had "Book Withdrawal" symptoms a while back, but all of that is gone and im simply able to enjoy a good book. Although, i've still have a problem about finishing a book a day cause at this rate i'd probably be out of books to read in a week or two. With that, i really need to read my books in moderation and control my bookmania...

Anyways, i bought the books yesterday at Reader's Haven at Jerudong. My parents dropped me off there while they had some bank transaction to do. I was content with this because for me, book shopping is very delicate at takes time, i tend to not 'Judge a book by its cover' literally, so i surveyed through the genres which i sometimes get confused about especially with 'Supernatural/Paranormal' and 'Fantasy'... You see, my favourite genre would be the former which is 'Supernatural/Paranormal'. In my mind, 'Paranormal/Supernatural' would be about Vamps, Ghosts, Witches and Weres. And 'Fantasy' would be about Fairies, Elves, Pixies and Ogres or whatever. The problem is, these 2 genres seem to melt together as one like Charlaine Harris' Sookie Stackhouse novels, where there are Vamps, Were, Witches and now Fairies & Maenads are included. I dont mind the 2 genres mix but what i do mind is the classification of this new Genre, its now not 'Paranormal/Supernatural' nor is it 'Fantasy'.... I've grown a fondness of this new genre and its hard for me to find it cause i have to look under both 'Supernatural/Paranormal' and 'Fantasy', although most of the new genre are put under 'Paranormal' i just cant shake off the feeling it also belongs in the 'Fantasy' section and sure enough some of them are put under there too. Its very confusing for me so i tend to just survey all of the other sections...

Anyways, i bought 5 books yesterday and it costed $80+, Damn! i kinda felt guilty about that but i thought, "Bukannya Selalu", and just forgot about cause Dad also didn't seem to mind... Im quite happy with my selection although im also dissapointed cause i couldn't find anymore books from Lillith Saintcrow but i did find a book by Terri Pratchett which i wanted to read ages ago and now im able to, Yay! =D

I guess, My life is happy for now, But just wait till the results season cause im not quite sure of my grades~~~ Mom&Dad want me to study abroad but im content with studying here near home but i'll do whatever to pleas them. But im just afraid of what will happen if i dont get to study abroad. I'd hate to see the look of dissapointment in their eyes... ='(

But whateverlh~ Heres a quote from one of the new books that i read and finished in one day! (1 down 4 more to go!);

"Whats the worst that could happen? You'll die but we dont know if thats a bad thing" Kitty & The Midnight Hour by Carrie Vaughn

Hi My Name Is...

Hi, My name is Wardi and im a cutter... When im in complete emotional distress i hurt myself physically usually by burning my skin, pounding the walls till my fists hurts but mostly by cutting using any sharp objects i can find... I know its stupid but its the only way to stop the pain inside, the physical pain makes the emotional pain feel better... It does sound like im an unstable person but i cant explain what people may not understand... Im not suicidal, i dont want to end my life, i want to live to see another day... I dont know why im posting this but something in my gut tells me that i have to... I cut my arms recently and its hard to hide the scars, if people saw them they'd probably think im stupid or probably crazy but like i said, i cant explain what people may not understand...

I just cried a river ='( "Prayers for Bobby"

Okay! Seriously!!! i just fucking cried my eyeballs off and gawd that was frickin refreshing to let all that raw emotion just gush out in the form of tears... I was watchin Ben 10: Alien Swarm and the guy who played as Ben really intrigued me, he's not that good lookin but theres something about him that makes him compelling... So, i wikipedia'd the Ben 10 movie then i entered the actors wikipedia profile and i was suprised to see that he played a gay character in a film called "Prayers for Bobby".... Now, i've heard about this film from Afterelton and it was supposedly remarkable soo i tried to watch it on youtube and guess what, i was able to see the movie from youtube, the full movie...


In "Prayers for Bobby," Mary Griffith is a devout Christian who raises her children with the conservative teachings of the Presbyterian Church. However, when her son Bobby confides to his older brother he may be gay, life changes for the entire family after Mary learns about his secret. While Bobby's father and siblings slowly come to terms with his homosexuality, Mary believes God can cure him of what she considers his 'sin' and persuades Bobby to pray harder and seek solace in church activities in hopes of changing him. Desperate for his mother's approval, Bobby does what is asked of him, but through it all, the church's apparent disapproval of homosexuality causes him to grow increasingly withdrawn and depressed. Guilty over the pain he is causing Mary, Bobby moves away, yet hopes that some day his mother will accept him. His subsequent depression and self-loathing intensifies as he blames himself for not being the 'perfect' son and is driven to suicide. Faced with their tragedy, Mary begins to question her faith when she receives no answers from her pastor concerning her devastating loss. Through her long and emotional journey, Mary slowly reaches out to the gay community and discovers unexpected support from a very unlikely source. The film is based on the 1995 Leroy Aarons book of the same name. Written by Louie Neira


This story is truly amazing! it really touched my heart cause i could really relate to the story. I cried my eyes out after watching this film cause i was truly touched by the love of the mother, eventhough her love and understanding was too little too late... There are a lot of things that are outstanding about the film but i cant describe it with words, you just HAVE to watch the film on youtube, seriously, it really is beautiful!

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Its been about 3 weeks since i last saw my Parents and Bro and ever since then im really starting to miss them... Since i've been stuck living with whatsherface, my life has been very empty for the most part, dont get me wrong, i dont hate her family i just hate her... The only thing thats keepin me sane and entertained are my lappy, some DVD's and my besties whom i hang out with to relieve the pressure of living with a control-frickin monster!

Sometimes the bitch means well but her overall attitude trumps her good natured-ness which i barely even see evryday. I mean she always yell and yell and yell and yell even more that sometimes im considering to ask my Dad for soundproof walls. She's a damn riot and not a good one! I also realise that she is somehow tryin to rekindle our sibling relationship by inviting me go out with her and her family but everytime i turn down her offer. Thats because, i really do feel left out when going out with then since im not one of their family members. I know im family to them considering im whatsherface's lil bro but i dont feel any kinship when im with them, i only feel kinship towards my nephew who sometimes hate me for no reason...

Face it, my family is Mom, Dad and Bro... They make me feel that i belong, for reasons unknown to me, maybe because i just dont have any love for whatsherface and her husband, i dunno why... Sometimes they disgust me, i dont have any fond memories of me with whatsherface let alone her husband whom i dont have anything in common with, i see these 2 everyday but thats just it, we're not family, we're just strangers living under one roof... I know i sound horrible for not recognising one of my own flesh and blood as family but its true... i dont feel any affetcion for those 2, none, if this were a normal day where mom, dad and bro were here, i would avoid them like a plague, they make it easier for the whole family to avoid them cause they spend most of their time in their room... But now, they tend to go out of their room more which still freaks me out cause im not used to seeing them walk around in the house... Ugh~~~~~

I really miss mom, dad and bro, i know i always complain about hating them but thats waht families do, to an extent, they hate each others guts but still maintain affection for one another... Thats why im kinda reconsidering an attitude change once my parents and bro come home cause seriously, once your left with whatsherface i cant help but to realise that my parents are softcore compared to that bitch! I really really do miss them and i wish for their safe arrival...

Absence does make the heart grow fonder =)

Z's Humiliating Celebration

Okay, we celebrated Z's Birthday today and it was damn hillarious and damn awesome cause Freak and me were able to make things happen for Z and we were also able to very well humiliate him! hah!

To start off the day, or in our case the afternoon with watching a movia at the mall, before all of that, and before pickin Z up, Me and Freaky discussed very hard on how to really suprise Z, although we didn't have any idea, i thought up about suprising him with dinner at Pizza Hut! Unable to think up any other great ideas we just went with my Pizza Hut idea~~~ and damn, it apparently turned out to be a superb idea! So, this afternoon we decide to watch 2012 and damn! it was great! although a bit too long but the special effects gave me goosebumps! Since the movie was more than 2 hours i bought 2 popcorns and a drink while Freak bought 2 drinks! Which was a decision he regretted afterward because by the end of the movie his tank was totally full beyond the limit! Even i who just bought 1 drink had a full tank at the end of the movie! hah! poor silly little Freak! hahaha!

We planned on going to dinner after the movie. Now Z didn't know about this plan so we just told him to follow our lead, so we led him to Pizza Hut and he was like "I cant afford this!" hahah, Oh Z, mcm nda pham sja, hahahah! So we went in and ordered a bunch of stuff while Freak and me were discretely discussing on how to make Z's birthday celebration more memorable! So we had this really awesome idea! i suggested it and freak perfected it! We were both gleaming with anticipation when everything was set! So we ate and ate and ate until we were so damn full and were cracking jokes along the way...

So once everyone was done eating, Freak gave the signal and THEN all of the Pizza Hut staff surrounded our table bringing an ice-cream sunday with a lit candle singing happy birthday to Z in 3 different languages, HAHAHAHAH!!!! At first Z was like "siapa bday ni kn?!?" and then when the Pizza Hut employees obviously sang to him, he covered hi face for a long while cause he was damn blushing! hahahaha! Me and Freak laughed the whole time seeing Z get embarrased! hahahahah! When the singing was over and Z blew out his candle, he was very furious at us in a good way cause he was soooo god damn embarrased! hahaha, you should've seen em! it was sooo damn adorable! hahahahaha, frankly im worried cause he swore to return the favour sooo damn!

Note to self: Avoid any restaurants or food joints during my birthday! hahaha!

Afterwards, we spent some time at Z's uncle's house and just hung out, talking, laughing and having a good time! Boy, i'll never forget this cause truth be told, this was the first time Z experienced this sooo ahahahahahahaha! sweetnaiveandadorable Z!

Gilrs... Errr... I mean, Guys Night In!

Girls Night! Hah!

Last night was so fun! Okay, okay, I was helping Freak with his Art thang and had to go home early cause Whatsherface doesn't want to leave the house empty for some reason! stoopid, considerin even before mom and dad went for the Haji, the house was always empty! So spending time with Freak had to be cut short but wait... Freak says he wants to continue his work at my house cause he claims that he cant finish it without me so i said okay... But, before we went home which was probably at about quarter-to-six, i bought some DVD's cause of my situtation where i really cant ask whatsherface to bring me anywhere, therefore its really hard for me to buy DVD's... Anyways, bought a couple of DVD's, bought some snacks and drinks then went home... My home...

As soon as we entered i ushered Freak to my room and switched on the Wifi so he could preceed with his work... Anyways for a couple of minutes, he was able to continue with his work but THEN he wanted to watch the DVD that i bought cause he was like whining so much about his work! Hahahaha...

Unfortunately, i bought a DVD that we both loved to watch and there goes the night... We were watching the last disc of Drop Dead Diva on my laptop, we both sat in front my lappy and scarfed down the snacks that i bought with each hugging a pillow cause my room was soo damn cold last night! if you could imagine what we did with the pillows last night, it would probably look like this...

Wait... that looks soo gay so imagine it looking like this!

There! this looks less gay right???

Hahaha, we spent the whole night watching 3 episodes of DDD back-to-back until it was getting late~~~ and it was still raining soooo, brrrrrr! it was cold! damn it! We actually huddled up in my blanket~ of course, Freak! covered his whole body while i only got to cover my legs! Damn, hypocrit! hahaha! The Disc actually had 5 epis but since it was gettin late, we settled for 3 plus we were in dire need of more snackage! So, we warmed up for a while, to take out the frostbite out of our system and went to DQ and had a very delicious blizzard which is ironic considering were whining about the cold earlier. FYI Freak warmed up by pole dancing so i'd just like to say, The Horra! The Horra!

Last night was fun mostly because of her!

Literature, Why hath thou forsaken me?

Seriously??? Damn it! literature is fucking hard okay??? i mean i've just started reading on 'The Duchess of Malfi' (Finally!) and damn! it aint frickin easy to picture the whole story considering i dont even know what the hell their sayin! I know its my own fault for not entering class during the lesson course of this play but hey, we only started this play 2 weeks before the exams started soo even if i attended, there wouldn't be much time to finish it considering the amount of time it takes to analyse just one scene of the play during classes! Plus, even when attending Lit classes, i'll probably fall asleep like i always do, hence the title as 'sleeping beauty'. Dont get me wrong, Lit is my best subject but its subject im really bored with! If i understood the play completely then i'll probably love it but since most of the plays that we study for literature use some sorta shakesperean language i am totally baffled by it hence not loving it! Plus, this is the first literature 'book' that i have total difficulty in finding the notes online, i mean damn! I have to pay just to read the analysis and study guide for the play??? What is up with that? Greedy lil bitches!!!

To tell you the truth, literature is the subject im most afraid of cause im just not sure about my potential. I got an A for my AS but im not sure its due to luck or just true talent cause i totally didn't give a 100% during the AS. Thats why im so scared cause with literature, everything is unexpected, your analysis might be damn great but f the marker is not in sync with your idea thn you'll probably get screwed. I think my ideas are great but sometimes my analysis runs way too deep which is actually good but will the marker get me? That is the big fat question! Im seriously effing scared yo! I would probably be ok if i had someone to study with for Lit but damn! I am totally anti-social during lit classes except to very few people cause basically, Lit students are mostly made up by the higher-ups. Higher-ups are people who are on the top of the social popularity list, they are upper class kids who i presume have fun by attending parties and social events and whatsoever. Their kinda like the norms, perfect to say the least and i just cant bear to start conversations with them. I feel so low when im in their company and i dunno why considering know most of the higher-ups because i went to the same school as them. Even back then they were like the 'everybody knows us'... Its not that their snobs but iits evident that the way they act reflects their social and economic status. People like me dont mix with them, i kinda belonged with the juvenile group where we just joke around all the time and disrupting class by my damn loud laugh. Anyways, i like them but i just cant find common ground with them thus i am unable to interact with them.

But there are higher-ups exceptions like Munii, she's a higher-up but also mix with the rugged higher-ups, rugged higher-ups are more or less the same but their fun includes some deviant acts like smoking, drinking and whatever that is deviant, this also includes wild parties. My kind are well with the rugged higher-ups cause they tend to be more open, humble and non-judgemental but still, higher-ups are higher-ups, we dont mix with them that much... Anyways, this is why Lit is hard for me, i lack focus and i lack companions to discuss it with sooo with all my heart, i hope that i dont screw this cause im still eyeing that Lit scholarship....

Just testin

Imma postin from my damn phone ya'll! Aint this kewl!

Whatsherface, Dancin and Z

Hello there, things havent really progressed from my last post, i mean everytime i wanna ask something from my sister i get scared shitless... My shampoo has been out since last week and im just barely getting by with adding water to the remaining shampoo solution! I dont have the guts to ask her to buy my shampoo cause theres only 1 place that sells my shampoo and it is totally far and if you knew my sister as long as i do, you'll know she's not the kind who would interrupt her spare time by doing a favour for her lil bro. Another reason for me to hate her so much that cow!

In other news, i've been very interested in dancng nowadays =) i mean, i've been dancing my ass off everytime i hear a rockin or poppin beat and dancin used to be a huge no-no for me cause i used to be insecure about dancing considering my size. But now im like nodding my head like yeah! swinging my hips like yeah! i love the feeling you get when you dont have a care in the world and just move your body to the music with such passion and animality that you wanna just keep on dancin so the feelin wont fade away! I've finally experienced the therapeutic effects of dancing and i am loving it bitch! haha! plus! in the light of all these shows filled with dance routines such as Glee, So you think you can dance? and Superstars of dance, i find that all the different genres of dance contain their own kind of unique beauty, like the elegant yet edgy moves of Vogueing, the time-warping awesomeness of pop'n'lock-ing and the beauty that is ballroom dancing. I just love it! Like, today i watched the whole 2 hours of So you think you can dance and yesterday i totally loved Superstars of dance, damn! im gettin pretty obsessed. Maybe this obsession came due to the lack of anything to do in my part, but hey, this new obsession of mine is pretty cool! haha!

Oh i almost forgot that yesterday i totally had fun hangin out with Freaky, Nysa and Yaya... Freaky needed help about some art thing where i had to take pics of him at the beach, at first t was only me and Freaky and then i invited Nysa who then brought Yaya. We spent most of our time yesterday at Pantai Tungku. We arrived there about 2.30 pm and left at about 6.30 pm! boy did we have fun! hahah! its been a while since i've hanged with Nysa so yesterday was totally refreshing cause i miss that bee-yotch sooo much! hahaha! a guy like me must have his hag ok?!? hahaha! Although, Yaya was pretty awkward, seriously awkward, i mean when i tried to like interact with him, it was like i did all the talking while he just listened and responded in the form of 1 sentence each time! So i was like wha??? seriously, there is no pleasing that guy! Trust me, i like him, he doesn't have any evil, bad or annoying personality traits at all but i just find difficulty in finding common ground with him, believe me, i've tried and for countless times i have failed damn miserably! Its okay though, i guess we just dont have chemistry or sparks together.... Unlike me and Yazid...

*sigh* Yazid... I miss that SOB, i was hoping that he would join me and Freaky yesterday but no such luck! he had to study for an exam he had! Damn, if he didn't have to study, we would've completed our triumvate! Sometimes im always thinkn about my friendship with Z because our friendship is like nothing else, we seem to be 2 different people with totally different interests yet when we're together, fireworks happen! haha! Thats the reason that sometimes i call him my soulmate because he's seriously my bestfriend to a point that eventhough we're separated, once we meet up, its like I/He never even left my side... Even other people have pointed out the uniqueness of our bond which some people found weird to a point that they thought we were an item which was very gross! i can imagine myself dating anyone except Z! hahaha! Its very funny actually, we've been bestfriends for a very very very long time! You can say that were childhood friends actually cause i knew him since we were about 6 or 7 years old. Back then i didn't realise we would turn out to be perfect for each other, hahaha! I mean He loves sports, I dont, I love anything fabulous or glamorous, he doesn't, I think about other people, he's selfish and so on... see? were like totally different yet you cant deny our bond! hahaha, For my whole life, i've been searching for friends like Z yet none can measure up to him, its like with the others, theres something missing but i dont know what. Who knows, maybe our friendship was destined by fate, maybe we really are soulmates of the friendship kind or maybe its just something mundane... Whatever it is though, im just hopin that our friendship will last, you know? Cause Z is the bestest friend i've got, He's my brother from another mother! =P

And i do love him like a brother and a friend... Nothing more and nothing less....

Hear me rant!

So like oh my god! its been a very long while since i've blogged about anything... Well, you know how it is, now we've got Facebook, Twitter and yadda yadda yadda... My mind has been too simplistic to write a post, so simple that im just using facebook to describe what feel daily with more or less one sentence, aint that just grand? So its been like almost a month since my A-levels started (Yes, the most dreaded exam of the year!) and suprisingly it has not been that very stressful~ Well, maybe because for the whole duration of the exam season i've been hangin around with Zid and Freaky and making fools of ourseles as we hang out! We dont just hang out, we actually, well, occasionally study together but that only took us about a couple hours. Once we gie up on studying, its off we go to the beach! Yes, we go to the beach everytime! You might be thinkin that we would get bored of hangin at the beach everyday but no, we dont get bored, each and everytime was fun for us... Anyways, theres only 1 exam left for me and that is English Literature, which i havent even touched! I havent even read one of the books which is "The Duchess of Malfi" which by the way is very effing boooorrrriiiiiinggg!!!! Hahahaha, Its so funny that the subject that im most good at is the subject that im most bored with! I really need to fix that problem since im targeting a Literature scholarship~~~

Enough about academics, its time to hear about my personal life which by the way has probably improved, probably.... Im really starting to miss my parents and my big bro since they left for the Haj which was last tuesday. I know i've always said a million times that i hate them but we're family, sometimes we hate on each other but most of the time we love each other, at least thats what i think! hahahaha! Now im left with Sis and god almighty she can bitch! She bitches so good, aint nothin she cant bitch about! hahaha, seriously! Living with this woman is like livin in a minefield, i gotta watch where i step so i wouldn't be blown up to smitherenes! I fuckin hate her, unlike my other family members whom i have a love/hate relationship with, when it comes to my sister, its a hate/hate relationship! you can practically count how many minutes she's been nice in a day! I really hope i can survive!

In other news! Z's got a girlfriend and im am so damn proud of him! i swear to god, that the minute i saw that his facebook status went from "its complicated" to "in an open relationship", my heart skipped a beat cause i really cant believe that my bestfriend's all grown up! After that i just felt a wave of nostalgia and went on thinkin about love~~~ see, i havent actually found anyone, i didn't even TRY to find anyone! I suddenly thought up about how im gonna meet my true love and damn it was cheesy! So after givin this some serious thought i finally went outside for a smoke and then guess what happened? While i lighting up a cigarette, i looked up ath the clouds and i saw this cloud shaped as a heart and i was like whaaa??? i figured that it was a sign whether i should start tryin to find my soulmate or that Z's relationship is really born outta love considerin that i saw the heart-shaped cloud right after looking at the change in his status... Man, i totally felt weird yesterday watchin the cloud cause i really do wanna find my true love but i just dont know how, im just too scared~ Ive had my heartbroken, dozens of times and i wasn't even in a relationship back then! The people i used to love never loved me back cause i was always the friend, never the lover so its no wonder i have a hard time trying to find someone~ And sometimes the people around me aint makin things easier, theres pressure for being single nowadays and i hate that very much... The ones who are passing judgement arent even in real relationships! sure they have girlfriends/boyfriends but when you ask them why they cant stay a single day being single they'll answer "being single is boring!" which is stupi cause that means that they're in a relationship just for fun... Puh-lease! Honey! that ain t a relationship! thats just a fling! So what if i wanna wait for a relationship with someone i truly love huh??? So what??? A relationship without love somehow feels useless and empty......

FuckFuckFuck... MuddMuddMudd...

Oh fuck it! What a pretty fucking brilliant start for a pretty fucking brilliant day! i mean seriously fuck! For fuck's sake this morning was one more fuck away from being one of the most fucking jynxed morning of my fucking life... Today there was a wedding or a nikah or what fucking ever, its not important. Usually i dont attend these things cause frankly their fucking irritable and boring unless you have someone to talk to where in my case i dont so there was nothing for me to do except sit there like a fucking vegetable... Urgh~

Anyways, we went to the wedding/nikah thing at about 11.30am and damn this morning was fucking HOT! i mean seriously it was damn hot and i was wearing a double underneath my cara melayu so you can imagine the buckets of sweat i was producing. On second thought dont imagine it cause its fucking gross. Anyways, its been a while since i've attended shindigs like this so i forgot how unbearably long this bllody event was! i probably fell asleep 5 times while sitting up straight and god help me i was thirsty! my head was rocking back and forth cause i was constantly falling asleep! Okay, so we started waiting at about quarter-to-twelve and the eating starts at half-past-one so the process of waiting took more or less an hour and a half soo yeah im feelin grumpy about it. Here comes the irony, once everyone finished eating, THEN the storm came! i mean why couldn't it have come earlier to spare us from the heat stroke?!? i do admit that the wind was very strong and the rain was damn drenching but i think its better than a heat wave, right???

Once the storm came, everybody went home cause the wind was so damn strong and the rain was so damn heavy, me and my paents were about to head-off when whatsherface whined to daddy that her car was stuck so we had to help and her fucking car was stuck on someone's yard in a sort of mudpit... i along with other people were asked to heave-ho the car while my mom was doing neat tricks with the car from inside, while under the fucking rain! i was asked to push behind the tyres and guess fucking what? the mud came straight at me and i was covered from head t toe with stinking mud!!!!!!! I mean for fuck's sake! i was the only one who got sprayed with that much mudd! its so not fucking fair! i had to take a second shower and profusely clean my cara melayu! thinks could not get any worse and if it does than thank you to the cosmic powers above for making this day one of my fucking worst!

James Dean tribute~ (My new idol)