So stressful sometimes Ever since i entered UBD, i wanted friends, i needed friends, cause the old ones seem to drift apart little by little every single day. Now im afraid that im losing my old friends. sure i've already made new ones but lets be honest, the new friends wont be like the old ones, even these new friends have their own old friends to keep in touch with so its like we can be close friends but just not that close. Its like im counting down the number of friends i have left and they seem to dwindle down. why cant the old ones and the new ones mix? i mean i'd like to be friends with both the old and new but alas...
These new friends, i actually like them, i probably love them but sometimes i just feel out of place with them like how did i become friends with them? how did they become friends with me? i feel very insecure sometimes like are they friends with me because they have ulterior motives? or do they pity me since i dont seem to have friends? all these things crosses my mind everytime im with them. Because i know im not the most interesting guy in the world and sometimes i seem a bit weird and awkward (which is mostly the reason why i have difficulty in befriending people) but people like me once they get to know me, right? sometimes i restrict myself when hanging out with the NF cause im afraid that if i make one single mistake i'll lose them as friends. Yes, im a loner and sometimes enjoy being alone but sometimes the loneliness eats me up inside and makes me feel depressed and empty.
While the old ones seem to have issues with each other. The OF are drifting apart with each passing time eventhough once in a while theres a reunion, some barely talk to each other which sometimes wound me considering we used to be close.
I need friends, friends that could lift my spirits up when i myself cant. Friends to share my endless problems with. Friends that would not judge me if they knew sometimes i would become unstable (like now). Friends that would not take advantage of me. Friends that wont hate me for being who i am...
I need friends... cause family is not enough for me, i cant be myself around my family but i can be myself around friends. My friends are my family too, it takes more than just blood to create a bond. Every bond that i make is important to me, be it a bond between family or a bond between friends but if any of those bonds break it will feel like losing a part of myself cause i give out a piece of myself with each bond. I know its foolish to want to be friends forever but the truth is even if that friend forgets me or gets over me i will always remember them jus like how i remember my past friends, the ones that left and even the ones that betrayed me. Thats just how i am, im loyal to a fault. Which makes me feel kinda stupid cause i put so much energy and trust in all of my friendships eventhough i know sooner or later friends will leave and depart from my life to get on with theirs.
Basically i feel lonely. With the old friends floating away and the new friends being new that its too early to trust them fully, i just feel soo alone everyday which makes me sad and unstable and aches my heart... Its been a while since my mood had darkened like this. It does not feel good...
alone and depressed (i feel pathetic)
