I just cried a river ='( "Prayers for Bobby"

Okay! Seriously!!! i just fucking cried my eyeballs off and gawd that was frickin refreshing to let all that raw emotion just gush out in the form of tears... I was watchin Ben 10: Alien Swarm and the guy who played as Ben really intrigued me, he's not that good lookin but theres something about him that makes him compelling... So, i wikipedia'd the Ben 10 movie then i entered the actors wikipedia profile and i was suprised to see that he played a gay character in a film called "Prayers for Bobby".... Now, i've heard about this film from Afterelton and it was supposedly remarkable soo i tried to watch it on youtube and guess what, i was able to see the movie from youtube, the full movie...


In "Prayers for Bobby," Mary Griffith is a devout Christian who raises her children with the conservative teachings of the Presbyterian Church. However, when her son Bobby confides to his older brother he may be gay, life changes for the entire family after Mary learns about his secret. While Bobby's father and siblings slowly come to terms with his homosexuality, Mary believes God can cure him of what she considers his 'sin' and persuades Bobby to pray harder and seek solace in church activities in hopes of changing him. Desperate for his mother's approval, Bobby does what is asked of him, but through it all, the church's apparent disapproval of homosexuality causes him to grow increasingly withdrawn and depressed. Guilty over the pain he is causing Mary, Bobby moves away, yet hopes that some day his mother will accept him. His subsequent depression and self-loathing intensifies as he blames himself for not being the 'perfect' son and is driven to suicide. Faced with their tragedy, Mary begins to question her faith when she receives no answers from her pastor concerning her devastating loss. Through her long and emotional journey, Mary slowly reaches out to the gay community and discovers unexpected support from a very unlikely source. The film is based on the 1995 Leroy Aarons book of the same name. Written by Louie Neira


This story is truly amazing! it really touched my heart cause i could really relate to the story. I cried my eyes out after watching this film cause i was truly touched by the love of the mother, eventhough her love and understanding was too little too late... There are a lot of things that are outstanding about the film but i cant describe it with words, you just HAVE to watch the film on youtube, seriously, it really is beautiful!

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Its been about 3 weeks since i last saw my Parents and Bro and ever since then im really starting to miss them... Since i've been stuck living with whatsherface, my life has been very empty for the most part, dont get me wrong, i dont hate her family i just hate her... The only thing thats keepin me sane and entertained are my lappy, some DVD's and my besties whom i hang out with to relieve the pressure of living with a control-frickin monster!

Sometimes the bitch means well but her overall attitude trumps her good natured-ness which i barely even see evryday. I mean she always yell and yell and yell and yell even more that sometimes im considering to ask my Dad for soundproof walls. She's a damn riot and not a good one! I also realise that she is somehow tryin to rekindle our sibling relationship by inviting me go out with her and her family but everytime i turn down her offer. Thats because, i really do feel left out when going out with then since im not one of their family members. I know im family to them considering im whatsherface's lil bro but i dont feel any kinship when im with them, i only feel kinship towards my nephew who sometimes hate me for no reason...

Face it, my family is Mom, Dad and Bro... They make me feel that i belong, for reasons unknown to me, maybe because i just dont have any love for whatsherface and her husband, i dunno why... Sometimes they disgust me, i dont have any fond memories of me with whatsherface let alone her husband whom i dont have anything in common with, i see these 2 everyday but thats just it, we're not family, we're just strangers living under one roof... I know i sound horrible for not recognising one of my own flesh and blood as family but its true... i dont feel any affetcion for those 2, none, if this were a normal day where mom, dad and bro were here, i would avoid them like a plague, they make it easier for the whole family to avoid them cause they spend most of their time in their room... But now, they tend to go out of their room more which still freaks me out cause im not used to seeing them walk around in the house... Ugh~~~~~

I really miss mom, dad and bro, i know i always complain about hating them but thats waht families do, to an extent, they hate each others guts but still maintain affection for one another... Thats why im kinda reconsidering an attitude change once my parents and bro come home cause seriously, once your left with whatsherface i cant help but to realise that my parents are softcore compared to that bitch! I really really do miss them and i wish for their safe arrival...

Absence does make the heart grow fonder =)

Z's Humiliating Celebration

Okay, we celebrated Z's Birthday today and it was damn hillarious and damn awesome cause Freak and me were able to make things happen for Z and we were also able to very well humiliate him! hah!

To start off the day, or in our case the afternoon with watching a movia at the mall, before all of that, and before pickin Z up, Me and Freaky discussed very hard on how to really suprise Z, although we didn't have any idea, i thought up about suprising him with dinner at Pizza Hut! Unable to think up any other great ideas we just went with my Pizza Hut idea~~~ and damn, it apparently turned out to be a superb idea! So, this afternoon we decide to watch 2012 and damn! it was great! although a bit too long but the special effects gave me goosebumps! Since the movie was more than 2 hours i bought 2 popcorns and a drink while Freak bought 2 drinks! Which was a decision he regretted afterward because by the end of the movie his tank was totally full beyond the limit! Even i who just bought 1 drink had a full tank at the end of the movie! hah! poor silly little Freak! hahaha!

We planned on going to dinner after the movie. Now Z didn't know about this plan so we just told him to follow our lead, so we led him to Pizza Hut and he was like "I cant afford this!" hahah, Oh Z, mcm nda pham sja, hahahah! So we went in and ordered a bunch of stuff while Freak and me were discretely discussing on how to make Z's birthday celebration more memorable! So we had this really awesome idea! i suggested it and freak perfected it! We were both gleaming with anticipation when everything was set! So we ate and ate and ate until we were so damn full and were cracking jokes along the way...

So once everyone was done eating, Freak gave the signal and THEN all of the Pizza Hut staff surrounded our table bringing an ice-cream sunday with a lit candle singing happy birthday to Z in 3 different languages, HAHAHAHAH!!!! At first Z was like "siapa bday ni kn?!?" and then when the Pizza Hut employees obviously sang to him, he covered hi face for a long while cause he was damn blushing! hahahaha! Me and Freak laughed the whole time seeing Z get embarrased! hahahahah! When the singing was over and Z blew out his candle, he was very furious at us in a good way cause he was soooo god damn embarrased! hahaha, you should've seen em! it was sooo damn adorable! hahahahaha, frankly im worried cause he swore to return the favour sooo damn!

Note to self: Avoid any restaurants or food joints during my birthday! hahaha!

Afterwards, we spent some time at Z's uncle's house and just hung out, talking, laughing and having a good time! Boy, i'll never forget this cause truth be told, this was the first time Z experienced this sooo ahahahahahahaha! sweetnaiveandadorable Z!

Gilrs... Errr... I mean, Guys Night In!

Girls Night! Hah!

Last night was so fun! Okay, okay, I was helping Freak with his Art thang and had to go home early cause Whatsherface doesn't want to leave the house empty for some reason! stoopid, considerin even before mom and dad went for the Haji, the house was always empty! So spending time with Freak had to be cut short but wait... Freak says he wants to continue his work at my house cause he claims that he cant finish it without me so i said okay... But, before we went home which was probably at about quarter-to-six, i bought some DVD's cause of my situtation where i really cant ask whatsherface to bring me anywhere, therefore its really hard for me to buy DVD's... Anyways, bought a couple of DVD's, bought some snacks and drinks then went home... My home...

As soon as we entered i ushered Freak to my room and switched on the Wifi so he could preceed with his work... Anyways for a couple of minutes, he was able to continue with his work but THEN he wanted to watch the DVD that i bought cause he was like whining so much about his work! Hahahaha...

Unfortunately, i bought a DVD that we both loved to watch and there goes the night... We were watching the last disc of Drop Dead Diva on my laptop, we both sat in front my lappy and scarfed down the snacks that i bought with each hugging a pillow cause my room was soo damn cold last night! if you could imagine what we did with the pillows last night, it would probably look like this...

Wait... that looks soo gay so imagine it looking like this!

There! this looks less gay right???

Hahaha, we spent the whole night watching 3 episodes of DDD back-to-back until it was getting late~~~ and it was still raining soooo, brrrrrr! it was cold! damn it! We actually huddled up in my blanket~ of course, Freak! covered his whole body while i only got to cover my legs! Damn, hypocrit! hahaha! The Disc actually had 5 epis but since it was gettin late, we settled for 3 plus we were in dire need of more snackage! So, we warmed up for a while, to take out the frostbite out of our system and went to DQ and had a very delicious blizzard which is ironic considering were whining about the cold earlier. FYI Freak warmed up by pole dancing so i'd just like to say, The Horra! The Horra!

Last night was fun mostly because of her!

Literature, Why hath thou forsaken me?

Seriously??? Damn it! literature is fucking hard okay??? i mean i've just started reading on 'The Duchess of Malfi' (Finally!) and damn! it aint frickin easy to picture the whole story considering i dont even know what the hell their sayin! I know its my own fault for not entering class during the lesson course of this play but hey, we only started this play 2 weeks before the exams started soo even if i attended, there wouldn't be much time to finish it considering the amount of time it takes to analyse just one scene of the play during classes! Plus, even when attending Lit classes, i'll probably fall asleep like i always do, hence the title as 'sleeping beauty'. Dont get me wrong, Lit is my best subject but its subject im really bored with! If i understood the play completely then i'll probably love it but since most of the plays that we study for literature use some sorta shakesperean language i am totally baffled by it hence not loving it! Plus, this is the first literature 'book' that i have total difficulty in finding the notes online, i mean damn! I have to pay just to read the analysis and study guide for the play??? What is up with that? Greedy lil bitches!!!

To tell you the truth, literature is the subject im most afraid of cause im just not sure about my potential. I got an A for my AS but im not sure its due to luck or just true talent cause i totally didn't give a 100% during the AS. Thats why im so scared cause with literature, everything is unexpected, your analysis might be damn great but f the marker is not in sync with your idea thn you'll probably get screwed. I think my ideas are great but sometimes my analysis runs way too deep which is actually good but will the marker get me? That is the big fat question! Im seriously effing scared yo! I would probably be ok if i had someone to study with for Lit but damn! I am totally anti-social during lit classes except to very few people cause basically, Lit students are mostly made up by the higher-ups. Higher-ups are people who are on the top of the social popularity list, they are upper class kids who i presume have fun by attending parties and social events and whatsoever. Their kinda like the norms, perfect to say the least and i just cant bear to start conversations with them. I feel so low when im in their company and i dunno why considering know most of the higher-ups because i went to the same school as them. Even back then they were like the 'everybody knows us'... Its not that their snobs but iits evident that the way they act reflects their social and economic status. People like me dont mix with them, i kinda belonged with the juvenile group where we just joke around all the time and disrupting class by my damn loud laugh. Anyways, i like them but i just cant find common ground with them thus i am unable to interact with them.

But there are higher-ups exceptions like Munii, she's a higher-up but also mix with the rugged higher-ups, rugged higher-ups are more or less the same but their fun includes some deviant acts like smoking, drinking and whatever that is deviant, this also includes wild parties. My kind are well with the rugged higher-ups cause they tend to be more open, humble and non-judgemental but still, higher-ups are higher-ups, we dont mix with them that much... Anyways, this is why Lit is hard for me, i lack focus and i lack companions to discuss it with sooo with all my heart, i hope that i dont screw this cause im still eyeing that Lit scholarship....

Just testin

Imma postin from my damn phone ya'll! Aint this kewl!

Whatsherface, Dancin and Z

Hello there, things havent really progressed from my last post, i mean everytime i wanna ask something from my sister i get scared shitless... My shampoo has been out since last week and im just barely getting by with adding water to the remaining shampoo solution! I dont have the guts to ask her to buy my shampoo cause theres only 1 place that sells my shampoo and it is totally far and if you knew my sister as long as i do, you'll know she's not the kind who would interrupt her spare time by doing a favour for her lil bro. Another reason for me to hate her so much that cow!

In other news, i've been very interested in dancng nowadays =) i mean, i've been dancing my ass off everytime i hear a rockin or poppin beat and dancin used to be a huge no-no for me cause i used to be insecure about dancing considering my size. But now im like nodding my head like yeah! swinging my hips like yeah! i love the feeling you get when you dont have a care in the world and just move your body to the music with such passion and animality that you wanna just keep on dancin so the feelin wont fade away! I've finally experienced the therapeutic effects of dancing and i am loving it bitch! haha! plus! in the light of all these shows filled with dance routines such as Glee, So you think you can dance? and Superstars of dance, i find that all the different genres of dance contain their own kind of unique beauty, like the elegant yet edgy moves of Vogueing, the time-warping awesomeness of pop'n'lock-ing and the beauty that is ballroom dancing. I just love it! Like, today i watched the whole 2 hours of So you think you can dance and yesterday i totally loved Superstars of dance, damn! im gettin pretty obsessed. Maybe this obsession came due to the lack of anything to do in my part, but hey, this new obsession of mine is pretty cool! haha!

Oh i almost forgot that yesterday i totally had fun hangin out with Freaky, Nysa and Yaya... Freaky needed help about some art thing where i had to take pics of him at the beach, at first t was only me and Freaky and then i invited Nysa who then brought Yaya. We spent most of our time yesterday at Pantai Tungku. We arrived there about 2.30 pm and left at about 6.30 pm! boy did we have fun! hahah! its been a while since i've hanged with Nysa so yesterday was totally refreshing cause i miss that bee-yotch sooo much! hahaha! a guy like me must have his hag ok?!? hahaha! Although, Yaya was pretty awkward, seriously awkward, i mean when i tried to like interact with him, it was like i did all the talking while he just listened and responded in the form of 1 sentence each time! So i was like wha??? seriously, there is no pleasing that guy! Trust me, i like him, he doesn't have any evil, bad or annoying personality traits at all but i just find difficulty in finding common ground with him, believe me, i've tried and for countless times i have failed damn miserably! Its okay though, i guess we just dont have chemistry or sparks together.... Unlike me and Yazid...

*sigh* Yazid... I miss that SOB, i was hoping that he would join me and Freaky yesterday but no such luck! he had to study for an exam he had! Damn, if he didn't have to study, we would've completed our triumvate! Sometimes im always thinkn about my friendship with Z because our friendship is like nothing else, we seem to be 2 different people with totally different interests yet when we're together, fireworks happen! haha! Thats the reason that sometimes i call him my soulmate because he's seriously my bestfriend to a point that eventhough we're separated, once we meet up, its like I/He never even left my side... Even other people have pointed out the uniqueness of our bond which some people found weird to a point that they thought we were an item which was very gross! i can imagine myself dating anyone except Z! hahaha! Its very funny actually, we've been bestfriends for a very very very long time! You can say that were childhood friends actually cause i knew him since we were about 6 or 7 years old. Back then i didn't realise we would turn out to be perfect for each other, hahaha! I mean He loves sports, I dont, I love anything fabulous or glamorous, he doesn't, I think about other people, he's selfish and so on... see? were like totally different yet you cant deny our bond! hahaha, For my whole life, i've been searching for friends like Z yet none can measure up to him, its like with the others, theres something missing but i dont know what. Who knows, maybe our friendship was destined by fate, maybe we really are soulmates of the friendship kind or maybe its just something mundane... Whatever it is though, im just hopin that our friendship will last, you know? Cause Z is the bestest friend i've got, He's my brother from another mother! =P

And i do love him like a brother and a friend... Nothing more and nothing less....

Hear me rant!

So like oh my god! its been a very long while since i've blogged about anything... Well, you know how it is, now we've got Facebook, Twitter and yadda yadda yadda... My mind has been too simplistic to write a post, so simple that im just using facebook to describe what feel daily with more or less one sentence, aint that just grand? So its been like almost a month since my A-levels started (Yes, the most dreaded exam of the year!) and suprisingly it has not been that very stressful~ Well, maybe because for the whole duration of the exam season i've been hangin around with Zid and Freaky and making fools of ourseles as we hang out! We dont just hang out, we actually, well, occasionally study together but that only took us about a couple hours. Once we gie up on studying, its off we go to the beach! Yes, we go to the beach everytime! You might be thinkin that we would get bored of hangin at the beach everyday but no, we dont get bored, each and everytime was fun for us... Anyways, theres only 1 exam left for me and that is English Literature, which i havent even touched! I havent even read one of the books which is "The Duchess of Malfi" which by the way is very effing boooorrrriiiiiinggg!!!! Hahahaha, Its so funny that the subject that im most good at is the subject that im most bored with! I really need to fix that problem since im targeting a Literature scholarship~~~

Enough about academics, its time to hear about my personal life which by the way has probably improved, probably.... Im really starting to miss my parents and my big bro since they left for the Haj which was last tuesday. I know i've always said a million times that i hate them but we're family, sometimes we hate on each other but most of the time we love each other, at least thats what i think! hahahaha! Now im left with Sis and god almighty she can bitch! She bitches so good, aint nothin she cant bitch about! hahaha, seriously! Living with this woman is like livin in a minefield, i gotta watch where i step so i wouldn't be blown up to smitherenes! I fuckin hate her, unlike my other family members whom i have a love/hate relationship with, when it comes to my sister, its a hate/hate relationship! you can practically count how many minutes she's been nice in a day! I really hope i can survive!

In other news! Z's got a girlfriend and im am so damn proud of him! i swear to god, that the minute i saw that his facebook status went from "its complicated" to "in an open relationship", my heart skipped a beat cause i really cant believe that my bestfriend's all grown up! After that i just felt a wave of nostalgia and went on thinkin about love~~~ see, i havent actually found anyone, i didn't even TRY to find anyone! I suddenly thought up about how im gonna meet my true love and damn it was cheesy! So after givin this some serious thought i finally went outside for a smoke and then guess what happened? While i lighting up a cigarette, i looked up ath the clouds and i saw this cloud shaped as a heart and i was like whaaa??? i figured that it was a sign whether i should start tryin to find my soulmate or that Z's relationship is really born outta love considerin that i saw the heart-shaped cloud right after looking at the change in his status... Man, i totally felt weird yesterday watchin the cloud cause i really do wanna find my true love but i just dont know how, im just too scared~ Ive had my heartbroken, dozens of times and i wasn't even in a relationship back then! The people i used to love never loved me back cause i was always the friend, never the lover so its no wonder i have a hard time trying to find someone~ And sometimes the people around me aint makin things easier, theres pressure for being single nowadays and i hate that very much... The ones who are passing judgement arent even in real relationships! sure they have girlfriends/boyfriends but when you ask them why they cant stay a single day being single they'll answer "being single is boring!" which is stupi cause that means that they're in a relationship just for fun... Puh-lease! Honey! that ain t a relationship! thats just a fling! So what if i wanna wait for a relationship with someone i truly love huh??? So what??? A relationship without love somehow feels useless and empty......